Mom’s Journal: Help Me Rise Once Again

 

Good morning. It’s pretty early here in Georgia right now. Before 7am is early in this house. I have so much I want to say lately, yet I cannot seem to reach the right words. I feel like I’m bobbing for apples and I can’t seem to catch one.

This whole year has been difficult. Each month just trying to get through. It doesn’t feel like a way to live. Surviving isn’t enough! I won’t go into detail about my life’s struggles. To name a few, finances, raising a pre-teen and family drama.

I stay distant, I try to push back the burden of finances…way back in my mind, and I try so hard to be a good Mother. I have become distant with family for fear of more hurt and conflict…I cannot emotionally handle.

How do I deal with these things without feeling so much anxiety? I feel like I may lose my mind trying so hard.

What my mind tells me…

I’m not doing enough to help my family. I don’t work outside the home. All I do is take care of 5 kids all day, clean, homeschool and try to be a supportive wife.

Am I doing enough? I feel so drained. How much more can I give?

Do I let people (family or friends) in again? Do I open my heart?

Am I loving enough? Do I expect too much of my children? Are they getting enough from life?

I’m haunted. I want my children to have more out of life. I want them to grow and spread their wings wide open. Life is hard. My faith is dwindling away like the leaves on a tree preparing for Autumn.

I’m doing the best I can. Or am I?

I’m pleading with myself and Jesus. Please free me from my mind. I can’t reach you. Please reach out your hand and touch mine. Help me rise once again.

Some days are easy and I feel happy regardless of life’s trials. I can be positive and optimistic in hard times. Not every day is this way. I struggle with trust. How do I trust everything will work out? And for how long will it last?

Nothing good or bad lasts forever. It is like trying to hold onto water or a burning flame. I must find myself again. The strong woman inside of me. I must find Him again. For I will fall without him.

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